My Funny Valentine
by Shiny Ryuichi Sakuma
Summary: Slash! Sirius is recieveing letters/gifts/cards from an anonymous person. In his quest to figure out who it is, he accuses everyone but the right person! Just how will he react when he finds out its Severus, of all people? Sev/Siri
1. Confusion! Letter

disclaimers: dun own it!   
  
warnings: boy x boy love  
  
summary: Sirius is recieving valentine's from someone but he doesnt know who! He starts suspecting everyone but the right person! Set in 5th year and will continue until graduation. It will then switch to the present, during Draco and Harry's 7th year. (yes, this will contain D/H)  
  
Pairings: James/Lily, Sirius/Severus, Remus/Lucius(kept quiet), Lucius/Narcissa, Arthur/Molly.  
  
MY FUNNY VALENTINE  
  
SIRIUS POV  
  
Valentine's....the one day during the year I completely loathe. Of course, noone expects me to hate the holiday where half the population of Hogwart's sends me candy, gifts, love letters, and cards. Last year was horrid; owls were lined uniformly from my place at the Gryffindor table all the way to the teacher's table. Girls and boys confessed their ultimate desires for me and a few even said they loved me which was really lust. No, I dont believe anyone loves me. I'm seen as sex god, a reincarnation of Adonis; minus the blonde hair.  
  
I pull my ebony hair into a ponytail, stubborn strands dangling from the hold. I hear a snicker behind me and I see Prongs balancing his girlfriend on his lap. I smile at them, trying to make it happy and not that forlorn one that I try to hide. James and Lily have been dating since first year and five years later their still that lovey dovey duo. I would be a liar if I admitted I wasn't jealous because I am. I want love, not a bunch of prats' whose desires would equal a full-blooded veela in heat. I have had my fair share of shagging after curfew in the Astrology Tower and I've even experimented with James-not that he would admit it because that would be considered cheating and the boy's too noble to do that. (But to let you in on a little secret: he enjoyed it more than I did.)  
  
Valentine's Day is a joke or for those, like Lily and James, with someone in their lives to love, cherish, and hold. Ah, makes me want it. I yawn, attracting the attention of the couple. Lily frowns in my direction. I already know whats shes going to say before she opens her mouth. "No, I haven't find that special someone yet so dont bother asking, ever."  
  
"Aren't we in a bad humor?" James rolls his eyes, gently depositing Lily onto the chair and walks over to me. "Are you alright? I've never seen you this bugged about Valentine's Day." Is Prongs really that obtuse? Oh and yes, I know big words despite what others may think of me, I'm not some pretty boy without brains. I resist the urge to snap at him but that would only prove to upset him and I dont want to deal with his. I'm going to need someone to burn the letters I'll recieve at breakfast.  
  
"I'm not in bad humor Jamie. Just tired of the same thing each year." The portrait swings open, a red-faced Peter pants in exertion. I raise one brow, crossing my arms at the boy. "What the hell's wrong with you Wormtail?"  
  
"There's a line of people out there!" he gestures wildly, eyes half-crazed. Poor Peter, the tag-along of our group-dubbed the Marauders. There's just something about Peter that is off-setting. I dont know, he has that aura about him that he's sneaky just like his favorite animal. He slinks over to one of the sofa's and collapses. "I am never again going out on Valentine's Day before classes begin."  
  
A groan comes from the boys dormitory staircase and there's Remus Lupin in all his amber eyed glory. He scowls at us all, so unbefitting of his normal cheery and extrovert self. I sling my arm across his shoulder and he glares at me; a glare worthy of that greasy git Snape. "Such a prude, Moony," I tease, pinching his cheeks gently.  
  
Remus snarls at me and shoves me aside. "I'm going to eat and if one of those air-headed admirer's of yours even THINKS of talking to me, I'll snap their necks." I dont think he's joking this time and hey, who says their all airheaded? I attract the smart bunch too....alright, thats a lie. Just because I dont have my nose in the books doesnt mean that they shouldnt be taken with my good looks and winning charm which is currently NOT working on Remus. With a huff, Remus leaves us all in quite a bit of shock.  
  
James chuckles, the first to find his voice. "Our little Wemmy is growing up."  
  
"I HEARD THAT!" came the disgruntled yell that became more distant with every syllable. Its never good to make a werewolf pissed.  
  
"He cant always be a part like you Jamesy," I remark, fluttering my lashes at him. Lily giggles, arms sliding around Prongs' neck possessively. She mouths, 'mine.' James swats her aside and strides over to me, a gleam in his eyes that I've seen before when we launch our attacks on the Slytherins. "Uh...Jamie? What are you doing?" Without much of a warning, he pounces and knocks us both to the floor. Next second, his lips are on mine. Lily gives a strangled sob-laugh combination and I'm sure Peter's turning as red as a beet-he was never one for being comfortable around displays of affection. James tastes just as sweet as he did the first time we kissed in second year. "James," I whisper around the kiss, "I think you've proved your point. Now get off before I shag you to death right here."  
  
With a positively impish grin, he kisses me chastely before sitting on his heels to smirk rather smugly at Lily. The girl's stifling her laughter, her green eyes are twinkling. I doubt Lily could ever be angry at James. "Not yours! Sirius has claimed me." I sit on my elbows, shoving James off my legs.  
  
"If you dont move it, I'll really claim you as mine." I flash a charming smile at both James and Lily but add just enough hint to the innocence of my voice to show I mean it. James scrambles from my feet, pain in his eyes that make me flinch. If James' parents didn't have such a close-minded view on the world, we would be together. Siri and Jamie, sounds just lovely doesn't it? No, James is meant to be with Lily and I am meant to be lonely for all existence. My stomach growls, breaking the oppressive silence.  
  
"One would know your stomach has its own alarm clock." Peter jests glibly, rising to his feet to the portrait. "I swear, it protests every morning at the exact same time. You shouldnt even be hungry. You eat enough to feed three people!" I poke Peter's shoulder.  
  
"I do not! Are you calling me fat?!" I muster the vainest, Lucius Malfoy stance I can pull off and stick my nose proudly in the air. The trio burst out into laughter, the little scene from earlier forgotten. No point scratching old wounds, James will come to me and want to speak about it later. The second I step out of the hole, I immediately regret it. Peter wasn't lieing, at least a dozen students are at the portrait of the Fat Lady who is unsuccessfully defending her territory. I believe she's been drinking too much spiced punch with Nick.  
  
James grabs my hand and we run towards the Great Hall, not giving the obsessed fangirls and fanboys time to catch me. Being handsome is so overrated. How does Malfoy stand it? He's nearly as popular with the ladies and gents as I am. Well, then, he does have a girlfriend. The only other person more conceited and stuck-up than the rich bastard is Narcissa. She's beautiful, I'll give her that, but she's a bitch. I think her and Malfoy were set up by their parents to become betrothed, they rarely speak or hold hands with each other. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for Malfoy, not when he's made my life a living hell.  
  
Speaking of Malfoy, I dont see him with his girlfriend. I shrug to myself and head for the Gryffindor table, frowning when Moony isn't there. I see James has made a connection, his brows furrow and he's pursed his lips. Its just a coincidence, absolutely nothing is happening between Malfoy and Moony. I shudder at the sheer revulsion of one of my own being with such a vile bastard.  
  
"Damnit, there they come Siri. Want me to burn them as they come through?" James asks, adjusting his glasses to see the numerous owls coming inside the Great Hall. I nod and wait patiently for the owls to make their way to me so that I can watch another year of cards, gifts, and letters burn into oblivion. (I, of course, take the gifts out of the package before James burns them.) I drum my fingers against the table. So far, no owls. One finally does fly over; a tawny little screech owl. It plops the letter onto my lap. "Thats all?" James' voice is full of surprise as he settles into his seat once again. "Whos it from?"  
  
"I dunno." The letter's in, what appears to be, a handcrafted envelope. Honeysuckle's are twined around a loriel tree; just how did this person know that those two are my favorite plants? I find myself becoming more intrigued as I gently open it, careful not to rip the beautiful handiwork. James and Peter are leaning closer to me, getting a glimpse of the contents. The writing is thin, upright, manageable to read and yet there are no disgusting twirls on the endings of letters. This was wrote by a boy.  
  
-Some find you lazy  
  
Some find you sweet  
  
Some find you crazy  
  
Some find you a creep.  
  
Some see you as nothing but a prat  
  
Some see you as a god reborn  
  
Some see you as brat  
  
And yet others see you as someone to scorn-  
  
I can't help but smile at the poem, so horribly written but it does get straight to the point. Most of the other poems I've gotten were so grotesquely, tooth-aching, naeusia sweet that I thought I was going to have a trip to the infimary. This one is, not matter how lame, perfect. It would seem the anonymous writer has acknowledged that.  
  
-I'm not some muggle romancer, I haven't an inkling of an idea as to how to write a love poem. I did give it a fair shot. Oh, I know your laughing. I was while writing this idiotic letter. The poem had me nearly rolling over in fits of chortling. I never thought I would stoop this low to write the famous Sirius Black a confession.- I stop breathing for a few seconds and angrily remind my hear to keep beating. -I have been in love with you since first year. I didn't want to admit it. How could I? You have everyone at your beck and call, its a wonder that my spell to drive those other owls off worked. I was certain that it would be overidden. I dont think I can ever tell you who I am, it would destroy what little I have left of my heart if you were to reject me. Besides, for you, someone better than I will sweep you off your feet and love you the way you deserve. I only wish I could be the one to love you. I hope this letter doesn't make you too unhappy. I certainly didn't want that. Happy Valentine's Day.-  
  
I blink. James and Peter's mouths are wide open and gaping as they too had read the letter. Someone just told me they loved me and had been for years. I dont know who this person is. I cant give him my reaction, which in my mind I'm turning cartwheels. How could this guy think that I wouldn't want him when he's the first to tell me those three words? My last concious thought before Moony joins us is: SOMEONE LOVES ME!  
  
~~~~~  
  
(dont own, sang by frank sinatra)  
  
My funny Valentine  
  
Sweet comic Valentine  
  
You make me smile with my heart  
  
Your looks are laughable  
  
Unphotographable  
  
Yet you're my favourite work of art  
  
Is your figure less than Greek  
  
Is your mouth a little weak  
  
When you open it to speak  
  
Are you smart?  
  
But don't change a hair for me  
  
Not if you care for me  
  
Stay little Valentine stay  
  
Each day is Valentine's day  
  
Is your figure less than Greek  
  
Is your mouth a little weak  
  
When you open it to speak  
  
Are you smart?  
  
But don't you change one hair for me  
  
Not if you care for me  
  
Stay little Valentine stay  
  
Each day is Valentine's day  
  
~~~~~~  
  
What did ya think? Good or bad? @_@ Er...sure...whatever. :D Anyhoo, I suppose you could review and let me know. ^_~  
  
next chapter: Severus's POV of valentine's day morning. 


	2. Crazy! I'm in love

Severus is going to be OOC. I had to make him that way because he's affected by love and love makes people act crazy. ^^  
  
Chapter 2: Severus  
  
Why am I doing this? I've asked myself a hundred times since I dispatched that owl this morning, the second I woke as a matter of fact. It was all I could think about and yet he won't even know who sent it. How low have I become to fall in love with Sirius Black? Of all people?! Why couldnt it have been Lucius?! Oh thats right, Lucius has affections for that scrawny Lupin. I bet your wondering, does Lucius know? Of course Lucius knows. I had to tell him since he told me in strictest secrey that he was dating Lupin and had been for three months. I didnt bother with asking for details. No fucking way did I want to hear about that.  
  
So, I'm sitting here at the Slytherin table anxiously awaiting the arrival of the mail. There's Sirius in his beautiful glory, flanked by Potter and Pettigrew. Lucius and Lupin must be doing things right now, that I dont want to know about, dont even want to think about. Okay, Lupin is attractive in is own but he's too...feminine for my preferences. Now Sirius? (When did I start calling him Sirius and not Black?) He's everything. I sound like some romantic sap, which I am not! Romance is not my forte. Masochism and sadism are. Though, I wouldn't use those tactics on Sirius. I let my forehead drop against the table and bang it a couple times. What is wrong with me?! How could I forget? I. Am. In. Love. With. Sirius. Black. My head hurts and damnit all, there's going to be a bruise. I gingerly touch my marred forehead. I dont think it will bruise. It would be a constant reminder of my stupidity that I the great potions master, the greasy git (I will let you in on a little something- MY HAIR IS NOT GREASY! Thank you very much), the vile Slytherin, and to some, The Death Eater (ominous, Oooo) actually had the gall to fall in love. With a beautiful, blue eyed GRYFFINDOR! I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. Oh what the hell, I am crazy. Crazy in love... NO! Damn those cliches!  
  
I want Sirius Black. I love Sirius Black. I want to have Sirius Black's baby. I pause in my thinking. Okay, I can't have his baby but it was worth a shot. I dont know what to do. I've never been in love. I dont know how to act. Unfortunately, I have to stick to far away admiring. Sirius wouldn't be too pleased if he learned his secret love was me. Could you imagine the horror? Severus Snape and Sirius Black? How could ~that~ even begin to happen. He's probably into that Potter twit. I'm just Severus Snape; plain looks, boring, and a smart-ass. Nothing special there.  
  
Sirius is looking over here at the Slytherin table. I see his eyes dart to Narcissa. Ah, he must be putting two-and-two together. I think Lupin has just been found out. The idea must've dawned on Potter too. Look my way Sirius so I can see you. Even if I can't touch you, let me drink in your beauty. YAGH! I'm going to be spitting fucking poetry! Severus Snape the Poet. That doesn't sound right. Severus Snape the boyfriend of Sirius Black. Yuck, too sappy. Severus Snape the Sirius Black fucker. That would serve its purpose but are we forgetting one thing? Severus Snape the git who will never have Sirius Black because he's too ugly, greasy, and evil.  
  
The owls are coming. Where is Buttercup? The owl isn't mine! Do you think I'd name my pet something so disgusting? The owl is Professor Rose's. Why she named her owl that revolting Buttercup is beyond me. There she is. Sirius seems to be shocked he doesnt have a hundred owls lined up, like last year. Oh no, the only owl your getting this year is mine. Buttercup throws the letter at Sirius's lap and Potter's jaw falls open. Ha, thought that Sirius would get more, did you? I see Sirius looking at the envelope. I am proud to say that I made it. I found out Sirius's two favorite plants, the Loriel and Honeysuckle, from a drawing of his. What, thought I wouldn't do research? Come on, if your in love your supposed to find out those stupid things. Whats their favorite color? Whats their favorite animal? Crap like that.  
  
He's opening it and I can't help but wince. The poem was awful. I've never wrote anything like it before. It gets to the point and thats what counts. Right? He's not laughing. Is that a good sign? I feel my palms sweat. He's smiling. What a lovely smile he has. SHUT THE FUCK UP! I hate this. I LOATHE this feeling of complete and total helplessness. I've NEVER been vulnerable in my life and if Sirius were to crumble my letter up, I would break down and cry. It would be either I cry or I glomp him. I said glomp. Only nitwit girls in love say glomp. I'm at the point of no return. I'm deep in this entire love thing. I only hope I dont drown.  
  
He's reading it! What does he think? I bet he's dissappointed that he doesnt know who wrote it. He'd be even more dissappointed if he knew it was me. Lucky for me, I'm able to keep my face impassive. I never give my emotions away. He looks shocked. So do Pettigrew and Potter. Is it that hard to believe that someone ~actually~ loves Sirius and not lusts after him?  
  
"Why dont you just tell him it was you?" that lethargic drawl comes from next to me. Only Lucius Malfoy could emit that. He's smirking at me but there's that warm, caring light in his grey eyes. Lucius is perhaps the only person who's ever gave a damn about me. Why couldn't we have fallen in love with each other?  
  
"Are you insane Lucius? He's never think twice about being with me. Your forget, I'm the greasy git."  
  
He places a hand on my shoulder. "You'll never know if you dont try and your not a greasy git. Your one of the most beautiful men I know so dont give me that bullshit. Do you understand me Severus? I do not want you to ridicule yourself."  
  
His voice has taken a sharp edge and its best to just agree with Lucius whenever he gets that tone. "Yes Mummy." He rolls his eyes, punching my shoulder. I see Lupin staring at us. Scared I'm going to take your lover? You have nothing to worry about. I only want your best friend. "Luc, if...if you weren't with Lupin and I wasn't pining at Sirius, would we be together?"  
  
"Of course we would!" He sobers as he sees Narcissa waving him over. "Damn woman. I have a meeting with an angel during lunch. Do you think you could tell her some elaborate lie?"  
  
"Anything for you Lucius."  
  
"Thank you Sevvy. Your my best friend and I love you tons. Now, wish me luck with this grotesque sappy meeting with Narcissa."  
  
"Good luck." Lucius winks and leaves to join Narcissa. I finish eating and leave the Great Hall. I then collide with a solid wall, no not a wall, a person. I raise my eyes (I hate being so damn short! When will I get my growth spurt?) to meet the object of my affections. I tense, mouth going dry. Oh shit...  
  
"Watch where your going," he mumbles, surprising me.  
  
"Learn out of clever insults, Black?" Damnit! Why must I taunt him just to hear that silken voice? How can I earn his love if I'm here making fun of him?  
  
"Fuck off Snape," he snarls, pushing past me to retreat. Thats the Sirius I know and love. I should be the last person he suspects. Its going to be great fun to see how many people he accuses. I wonder where on the list will Lucius will be?  
  
**  
  
Thank you for reviewing! ^_^^_^_^^_^_^_^_^ 


	3. Confession! James admittance

disclaimers: dont own  
  
Notes: Takes place before and after Sirius runs into Snape. Sirius POV  
  
Chapter 3-  
  
Moony seems to be glowing. I can't believe him! Going and fucking that...that ferret! How long has this been going on?! Does he even realise how disgusting that is? Its betrayal! Remus glances towards me, a sudden look of panic flitting across that usually composed face. Oh, I do know Remmy-dear. Prongs and Wormtail aren't paying attention to us. James is chatting with his girlfriend and Peter's jesting with them. Remus pulls me by the arm towards a deserted end of the Great Hall. "What do you know?" he asks, practically hissing.  
  
"I know your fucking Malfoy." What? Being crude is my trademark. Sirius Black says any and everything on his mind. Tsk, my one fault that keeps me from perfection. Yeah right. "Is he good? That why your with him? It must be or why else would you sink so....low?"  
  
Remus bristles with anger Seriously, his hair is sticking up. That a side effect from the moon? I think the full moons only a few days from now. and glares at me before erasing it into complete sorrow. I actually feel kind of bad for being so abrupt with him. He sighs, hands in his arms. "Siri, there are things between me and Lucius that....that are just so wonderful. The sex is great but so are our feelings. We didnt plan on this happening, it was spur of the moment. Siri, I love him."  
  
LOVE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I screech in my mind. He can't be serious! Malfoys' dont love. They lust. "And how does he feel?"  
  
"He loves me too."  
  
"Are you insane Remus!" I yell. Hey, we all know that restraint is not my speciality. Damn, another notch off of my perfection. The students near us (Hufflepuff, I believe) give us wierd stares. I glare my best glowwer and they all turn around. I get control of my erratic emotions. Remus looks crushed. "I over-reacted. I'm sorry. I just dont hold love and Lucius Malfoy synomous."  
  
"..I understand Padfoot." He smiles at me and I immediately loose my anger. He's happy. Thats all that matters. But still...MALFOY? Oh well. Its his business. I'm kind of hurt he didn't tell me earlier. "So your not mad at me?"  
  
"Of course not, Moony." I clap him on his shoulder, bringing him into a hug. I bet Malfoy's pitching a fit over this. He can get over it. Humph. "Are you going to tell James and Peter?" He shrugs. "I think you should. That way you can used James Invisibility Cloak for some late night shagging." I laugh as he turns several interesting shades of red. "So, is he good?" I ask in my most serious voice.  
  
He sputters, spitting the pumpking juice onto the table. When he regains his bearings, he smiles beningly at me. "As a matter of fact, he's wonderful. There are things he does that only one could imagine." Remus winks at me cheekily. Since when did he grow up? I feel like crying. My little Moony has become a man. Hmm, I wonder....  
  
"Remms, do you have any idea who could have sent that letter?"  
  
He looks thoughtful, finger tapping his chin. "It wasn't me or Lucius. I know it wasn't him because he's a much better romancer." I'll pretend I didn't hear that. "I couldn't have because you would kill me. Thats two down. Not much help, huh?" he says, face betraying the compassion and warmth. Remus personifies kindness. You know, it should have been us to fall in love. We're perfect for each other. I mean, I'm perfect for everybody but me and Remus seem to just belong together. Ah, no point wishing for it. I dont feel anything but brotherly love for him. "Actually, it couldn't be anyone from your fanclub. They only want to have sex with you."  
  
"Yeah, thats what gets me. Why would someone go to all of that trouble to just tell me they love me and not give me their name? I wonder if their ashamed?" I gasp. "You dont think its James?!"  
  
"Oh get your head out of your ass Padfoot. James loves you, you dont need to get some letter." I calm myself and idly jab a piece of sausage with a knife. "It wouldn't be Peter." He clicks his tongue, an annoying habit of his I can barely tolerate. "Flint?"  
  
"No, not Flint. He only likes to shag." Remus grimaces. "Its a much better image than seeing you and Malfoy."  
  
"HEY! I resent that." He pouts. He is undeniably cute. "Siri, who haven't you screwed in this school?"  
  
"I'm not a whore and for your information, I've only shagged four people." Remus's brows arch. "Flint, James, Davies, and that Seeker for Durmstrang, whats-his-name, Krum."  
  
"Wow.... I always thought you had sex with everyone. I was wrong." Remus shakes his head, bewildered. Is it that hard to believe I'm not a slut!? Gee, where'd those rumors start? Oh yeah, Davies. Stupid git. "I'm glad that your not....a whore." He grins, squeezing my shoulders in a death grip. By looking at the boy, you'd never guess he was strong. Its that werewolf strength. "I need to talk to the headmaster about...certain things. I'll see you in Double Potions and uh...thanks for not being a prat over the whole Lucius thing."  
  
I watch him leave before rising to my feet. I'd never be an ass to Remus; he's my best friend. I spot James who winks in my direction. Code language for: lets meet at our spot in five minutes. We have spot. Why do you ask? Because Jamesy likes to snog sometimes. Poor boy is confused. I wonder if he's shagged Lily? For some reason, I doubt it. Call it intuition. As I turn the corner, I immediately slam into someone short. I glance down and see Snape. I'm not in the mood for him. "Watch where your going," I mumble. Maybe if I play the submissioner, he'll leave me alone.  
  
"Run out of clever insults, Black?" Why is he such a prat?! He probably gets off on getting a rile out of me.  
  
"Fuck off Snape," I snarl and push past him. Stupid fucker. He always starts with me! Why doesnt he ever fuck around with James? WHY ME?! Hey.....why the hell do I even care? Its not as if I dont fluff his feathers just as me as he does mine. I walk towards an abandoned classroom; one of the ancient ones that are never used. I think someone was killed in it.  
  
James pulls me inside and uses a locking AND silencing charm on the door. What does he got on his mind? He sits on one of the tables and makes me sink beside him. "Paddy, I was thinking about that Valentine and, well, Lily told me what she wanted." He's shuffling his feet. Not a good sign. "She wants....wants us to have sex."  
  
"Thats bad, how?"  
  
"I dont want to."  
  
"Okay James, your making no sense. Its not as if your a virgin. You've shagged me. I've shagged you. See, nothing to feel queasy about." What is his problem?!  
  
"But.....she's a girl.."  
  
I facefault. He cannot be serious. He's nervous because she has extra parts and not a penis? Um, strange. I sigh. "What are you going to do? Have you told her your not ready?"  
  
"Not yet but what if I'm never able to get over this?"  
  
"You will Jamesy."  
  
"Sirius, could you...well, make love to me?" My jaw drops. Make love? We've never called it make love, except for the first time. Usually, their desperate, pity fucks. James lets his face drop. "I shouldn't have asked. I know that Lily loves me but I know you love me more. I just want to be reassured that I'll always have you. I guess I had better be le-" I silence whatever else he was going to say with a kiss.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Use your imagination for that last part. ^_~  
  
Next chapter: Sirius/Severus have a chance meeting during the library at lunch, told in Severus' POV and then in Sirius'. Dont you just like knowing what they all think? O.o  
  
Thanks for reviewing!!!!!!!!!!!!! @_@ 


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